Gangs Empathy and Children

Unfortunately there are other parents who believe that their childrens' regard and respect for others rights to self preservation and property, will come in time! This supposedly via some natural inherent process as their children mature. Their perception is that children cannot be expected to behave in a caring manner, as they are unable in some way to understand the consequences of their actions. It is mainly due to this perception that some adults allow their children to bite, smack, pinch, punch and scream at them. They bear this burden with an air of being the long-suffering, but really great parent, with all the virtues of a saint! What they seem to miss along the path of becoming this 'saint', is the hell that they have created and unleashed upon the public and the world in general.

Empathy and respect are learned qualitys. Even though we have the (inherent) ability to feel empathy, or to put ourselves in someone elses shoes, the contexts, situations or people, to which we attach empathy and give respect to are learned. Babies provide a good example of learned contextual empathy as they have no concept of pain inflicted by themselves onto others when biting or pinching. They are unable to put themselves in the shoes of another due to (hopefully) a lack of experience. This means they are unable to understand or empathise. Their understanding of biting, is what they see reflected back at them from the face of the person that they tested their teeth upon. A face contorted in pain! This is novel, interesting and even funny to them! They will therefore do it again to see if they are rewarded with the same reaction! (And there is the whole repetitive learning thing again, that we can use to our advantage). This does not mean that we have given birth to monsters in cute bodies, only that we, the parents have a duty to teach them an outline concept of empathy to pain inflicted by them. We do this by showing immediate disapproval each and everytime our babies bite, smack or pinch etc. A good rule of thumb regarding readiness to learn is when baby repeats a behaviour for interest/amusement, then he/she is old enough to assimilate 'immediate' disapproval upon each 'repetition' and after a while, connect the disapproval with the biting etc.(This does not mean that they understand that biting hurts other people, rather they learn that the act of biting brings about actions they dont like). The full concept of empathy will root itself later on, unfortunately and usually when they themselves are bitten or pinched by another child. Waiting until kids are old enough to clobber us parents, before attempting to teach them any type of 'considered' empathy may not be too late, but it will definitely add to the stress levels of all around them and will certainly take longer. It is wise to remember that 'cute' is not infinite nor relegated to our particular children. Babies grow out of cute quite rapidly. Those parents who beleive that their children will learn important social skills all on their own, should expect to lose quite a few friends and find themselves and their children as persona non grata at many social and family events! Street Gangs Empathy are words that do not gel simply because kids in gangs that hang about on streets accosting people for cigarettes and booze do not arouse sympathy from the public. Most of us try to avoid them and never so much as we do today! Quite often of course these kids have never had the benefit of empathy from their own parents or been taught this important qaulity by their parents and guardians.

As parents we should teach empathy and respect by example, which means giving it and by expecting to receive it from our children.

Empathy is visible in the care that is given by one person to another who maybe unhappy, lonley, ill, in pain, or old and infirm etc. It is evident in time put aside by a busy dad/mom in order to play with a child. It is in the patience given to the teaching of little ones to tie up their own laces or to button their coats with eager uncoordinated chubby fingers, when time is short. It shows in the face of a mother comforting a child that has fallen down or failed in something really important to him/her. Empathy is not only taught to youngsters by their parents empathy for them, but by involving them in daily life. It is taught by letting them help with household chores. A child that only watches the cleaning of the house, feeding pets, the cooking of food, the washing of clothes etc cannot relate to how much effort it takes to do all this. Therefore they will not be able to relate to a tired worn out parent. Litle kids are so easy to teach as they just love to do things with their parents and to feel important. This goes for most things in life, experience allows us to put ourselves in someone elses shoes and gives us a much broader view of the world and the people around us.

Simple things like teaching our kids to share their toys with friends, pick up after themselves, help to feed the pets and to play nicely with others is a good path to creating within them a child of empathy and an unselfish human being. Don't expect a child to understand money when he/she has never gone without even when money for essentials has been tight! Not being able to give money for sweets or air time etc is not devastating or soemthing kids will never recover from. It is a good lesson in humility that one day will transfer into kindness for others who find themselves in a financial predicament. It could also transfer into them being savvy with their own money!

In order for kids to understand and empathise with parents and the hard work they do in looking after them, they need to help out in the kitchen and with the laundry, keeping their bedrooms tidy, looking after younger siblings for short periods. These things have multiple effects on children. They learn how to take care of themselves and ultimately others. These activities are also more useful than them joining up with street Gangs Empathy lacking on all sides. By taking young teens shopping and making them wait while the parent finds items of clothing or toiletries for her/himself, gives them an understanding of the patience parents give to them when they go shopping or hunting for that special something, or even when they can't make up their minds about something. They will also be able to leave home knowing how to cook, buy groceries for a household, fix small injuries, look after children, keep a job, and put themselves in anothers shoes. They will learn empathy and understanding by doing and by watching their parents. Helping others and parents, teaches children that 'others' matter! Rewards for helping parents, such as a kiss or a cuddle and extra play time, teaches them that they are appreciated and that they too are important. Take note that material rewards only tend to breed cynics. (anything can be bought or is for sale) Gangs Emapthy or lack thereof shows children that anything can be taken or stolen by any means.

Protecting children from reality, such as consequences for actions they take, or in some cases do not take, leads to the breath taking lack of morals, care and understanding, and the cultivation of selfishness that is so amply displayed by some of our youngsters at home and in gangs. Children who are not made to clean up messes made by them, or to take responsibility for the care of their own property, or that which they have borrowed from others, ultimately do not understand the value of money or care about the feelings of others. They also do not understand why people get so upset about them kicking over trash cans, spraying walls with paint, or why smashing someone else's window is such a problem. When faced with a justice that says a personal item, for a personal item in return, (such as repaying a smashed window with an item that is important to the 'smasher') the result is often total disbelief that anothers 'important item' could be anywhere near as valuable as their own, even when cost of both items is clearly uneven and favours the vandaliser! The reason is lack of empathy. The Gangs Empathy is for the vandaliser.

If the concept of 'learning' empathy raises any doubt then consider this, people most concerned about eating meat and culling are often city dwellers, or those brought up to humanise animals. Children brought up on farms and who are taught that cattle and sheep are a food source, generally do not share the same reservations or type of empathy with city kids. Consider too that racists have generally been raised to believe that people different to themselves are bad, lessor beings, and unworthy of any pity or empathy. The ability to empathise lies within all of us, but we learn when to give it, and to what or whom we give it. Children who are hugged, hug, children who are shown mercy and love, show mercy and love, children who are taught to respect in a climate of trust, give respect, and children who are bribed with toys and money are children who bargain for everything, including their empathy. Gangs Empathy does not include mercy. (There are of course those people and children who do give empathy even when they have received very little themselves and who do respect others even when taught differently, but there are too many who don't which is why we need to teach these things)

Experience is the best educator of empathy as most of us humans need an aquaintance with hard work, being ill, being really hungry, not having enough money to buy something special, loneliness or sadness in order to be able to empathise with others who have had to struggle with one or all of these problems. Thus no child that has not had to wait for something special, or has not had to make their own bed, hang up their own clothes, and never been made to get up early to be ready for school, or to help make their sandwiches is ever going to find empathy for parents who do everything and ask for nothing in return. And why would they, when all they have been taught is to take and take? Children who do not help in the house are deprived of learning the art of how to cook, budget, plan ahead, take care of others and themselves, or of how to socialise in the wider world of, 'its not all about you'.

I am bound to say however that helping around the house and helping with the care of younger siblings for short periods of time etc. ought not to be confused with children who are burdened with the task of being the main carer of the home, themselves and siblings. Children such as these are often so deprived of love and empathy that they themselves either become everybodys dumping ground, or end up severely lacking in empathy themselves. The same applies for children who are beaten into submission or into a harbour of hurt and anger. Extremes such as these tend to make street Gangs Empathy look good, or at the least no worse.

Gangs 'Empathy' is a brand in itself. Looking out for one another is supposed to be paramount, and yet by their dismissive attitude toward life and people in other gangs they teach the opposite. Respect is taken at the end of a fist, knife or gun. Trust is an ever shifting sand, there are always other smarter, more daring individuals coming up through the ranks, and they have their own special friends ready to protect them for better spoils. Gangs Empathy for life, is large in its total absence.

When we have children, the unspoken rule and promise is, that we will protect, provide and care for them, and that we will teach them how to take care of themseleves and their future children. When we bring children into society, we take another silent oath that they, and we, will abide by the social norms of that society. And society as a whole trusts that the parents of the children in their society, will look after, educate and control them, to the benefit of everyone.

In gang culture and society empathy is a weakness. There is very little or no such thing as Gangs Empathy.

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