Gang Leaders Never Say Words.

In this instance, we, 'moms' and 'dads' should always take heed of the words we use when communicating with our children. We have all been lashed out at, at some time or another and we therefore know how it feels to be called derogatory names. Words have the power to be extremely hurtful, especially when coming from the mouths of our own families and in particular from the 'gang leaders' of our families. Terms like stupid, idiot, clumsy, etc, repeated over and over, embed themselves deep in our unconcious self perception. They can warp perfectly good budding and evolving personalitys.

As a quick aside to this; Do be aware that if the phrases; 'are you deaf'? and 'are you blind'?, keep coming to mind, have both of these features checked out by a doctor, as you may just be, a bit right. It is very easy to be flippant about these sorts of words. The fact is, sometimes the inner core, the intuitive part of us picks up the problem that we so casually dismiss. I have witinessed it with a child whose vision had suffered badly through measles and was not picked up until the school doctors visit caught it with a simple eye test. That child lost a lot of confidence which had been further damaged by the careless repetition of impatient parents uttering all the words that actually gave the clue to the problem. Sometimes kids are not just clumsy sometimes they do have a vision problem. The same goes for deafness caused by the effects of colds, tonsilitis and ear infections.

Take note for 'Gang Leaders Never Say Words' that not only do words hurt once children understand them, but the expression on the face of the person saying them hurts too and therefore leaves a much deeper wound. Remember please that, as I have mentioned before, children read faces long before they can talk or understand what is being said! Children who accidentally wet their beds not only have to deal with the embarrasment of a wet bed, but often they have to deal with the parents disgust in the form of words and their facial expression of disgust. They read this as 'mother/father doesn't like me, I am a disgusting child! If bed-wetting is an on-going problem and there does not appear to be any reason for this, then do the same as you would for a child that seems deaf or poor sighted and take him/her to the doctor. Things like urine infections can cause a weak bladder or maybe the child does just have a weak bladder. It maybe something even more serious causing the problem. The point is find out if there is anything you as mom or dad can do to help. Lack of empathy teaches kids to either shut down, feel like less of a person, breed anger, or eventually come full circle where they also lack empathy for others, maybe even for mom and dad. Never use words that demean childrn in any way. We need to remember those words that we personally, have been hurt by as a child or teenager and never use them against our own gang. These can be words such as Fatty, Dumb blonde, Moron, Fat head etc, etc. And never ever, use descriptive expletives when addressing or referring to children either in the family or little strangers. These can have far reaching consequences for them later in life, both in the way they come to regard themselves, and in the way that they communicate with and describe their own children, thus perpetuating the harm and the hurt for future generations.

Never forget that we as the gang leaders of our families have a massive impact on our little gang members as to how they see themselves.

One phrase in particular that really disheartens me, and which decimates self esteem and the very heart and soul of a young child is, 'I wish you had never been born'. Any person who really feels that way, should do the good thing, the right thing, and let someone else who would love to have, raise and care for a child, adopt that child. Having and keeping a baby that is not wanted does not make a person a parent, or even a good individual. Feeling that way inside is one thing, it may even be caused by chronic depression or post partum blues, never- the-less it does not have to be said in front of the child or to a child. Go get help.

Admitting to a lack of readiness for a child, or a lack of love, and even an un-willingness to give up a detrimental life style, that will affect the baby too, is a step toward becoming a better human being. Admission opens up choices for both the child and the parent. Not every woman wants to be a mother simply because she has the equipment. Allowing someone else to adopt an unwanted child, without asking for anything in return, is an act of great humility and one that lacks any self gratification other than to know that the child is better off. Always seek counselling first in this instance and/or in any other that you are unsure of.

By far the worst thing to say to a child at any age can only be "I wish you were dead"! This is top of the list of Gang Leaders Never Say words. I have heard it said and witnessed the devastation on the recipients face. I pray that I never hear this phrase again and if I do that it is only uttered by egocentric kids who have parents that step in! Nuff said.

This does not mean that as parents, we can't say anything that will hurt the feelings of our gang. If what they are doing seems stupid to us, like puting aerosol cans in a bonfire, or putting peas up nostrils and/or knitting needles into an electric fire, find a better way of telling them that what they are doing is silly, harmful, risky, dangerous or wrong. Then take the time out to explain why! Explanations are key to keeping the lines of communication open.

Gang Leaders Never Say words include those that are judgemental. For instance telling a child that they are useless, undeserving, lacking in any talent or ability etc, only succeeds in closing down communication. Even if your eleven or ten year old is mind blowingly bad at singing, math', or any other of the multitude of things we humans can do, or get up to. It is still possible to put this accross without robbing the child of all sense of self, pride and dignity. Find a way for them to improve and if that can't be accomplished introduce other activities or interests and develop the things that they are good at. There is nothing wrong with telling them that they might improve with extra help or that their talents really come to the fore in other things that they do. Find anything that a child does well and praise them for this. If your offer of help or praise for other talents come from the heart, your child will know that it is ok to not be fantastic at everything they do.

Gang Leader site Information on UK adoption Law

Gang Leaders Books on Neuro Linguistic programming

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