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Stop The ArgumentsStop The Arguments, is about the small inane things that drive families and lovers apart and the not so small inane things. In order to stop, we need to know why we argue and whether or not the things that we argue about are important. The short answer and best case scenario, is that most things we argue about are truly insignificant in the greater scheme of life. The worst case scenario is that continual arguing can make a person quite literally, physically ill. For those who are being battered mentally and physically, please use the following link for more information on help and assistance DOVE Dignity of Victims Everywhere Any arguement that leads to physical injury is indicative of a really troubled relationship. No person who is at the end of the battering should ever believe themselves to be at fault. This simply makes it right for the person doing the injury. Often these arguements are taken to the next level very quickly. The person who lashes out usually manipulates the arguements when they feel that their end game is about to be blown, are in danger of losing credibility and or are, about to be shown up. They do this by finding the smallest thing that can make the other person feel that they are to blame, by them having cursed out of frustration or by crying out of frustration. Either way it is turned to the advantage of the manipulator. The excuse will be "you shouldn't swear at me" "youre always crying, it drives me crazy" "If you didn't do these things, I wouldn't get angry and have to hit you". These types of arguements are really dangerous and should never be taken lightly, not even once! Thre is no possible excuse for hitting out and there is no such thing as an insignificant slap, punch or kick! So Why else do we argue and how can we Stop The Arguements? For some, creating an arguement is a form of control over the person that has been picked on. These sorts of arguments are usually tactical and although they often include violence they are not the rule. There is more than one way to skin a cat. Tactical arguements include putting the other party on the defensive. This is sucessful only if the other party becomes engaged in defensive action. In order to acheive this the controller chooses to attack on a very personal level. These attacks may appear to be very random. Perhaps he/she has had a bad day at the office, or someone unrelated has contested their position or skill, this list is endless. The point is that they will then seek retribution from the nearest and easiest source which more often than not is their partner. It may even erupt because they got brought coffee instead of tea!! Whatever the case the arguement is always a personal attack. E.G. The victim is a 'bad cook', 'terrible parent' 'lacks ability to budget' 'useless with money' 'needs constant supervision', like a child'. These are the hooks that this type of controller drops into the water and once the victim bites they become the catch of the day. Once engaged in being defensive means tkaing ones eye off of the ball and the bigger picture which is that the whole deal is tactical. The fisherman wants a bite and the more the fish struggles the deeper the hook digs in. The fish is then left to either struggle on or give in in order to stop the pain. The prize is defeat and control for the fisherman. The only way to Stop The Arguements is to recognise the tactic and refuse to play ball. It has to be pointed out that if the other party does not recognise their maniacal need for control then to stick around with someone like this will either lead to loss of independence, a draining of personality and either nerves of steel or total collapse of the nervous system. There is also the controller who uses shouting to subdue his/her victim. They do not allow for a two way debate usually because they know full well that they are being unreasonable. Engaging in one of these verbal brawls where shouting the loudest counts usually leads to a loss of all common sense. The victim can become mentally entrapped in either defending themselves or in trying find a verbal smack down that will shut the other half up instantaneously. Now if you are like me, whose mental agility leaves a lot to be desired, then you like me, will never win and therefore will also spend an enormous amount of time inside your own head thinking about what you should have said long after the other has swanned off victorious. There lies another problem, as long as we feel that we need to win an arguement or prove a point, we will forever be locked into the control of the person who goads us. In this case we lose and lose again!! In both types of arguement there is a controller who seeks a clear win which can only be achieved by reeling in or shouting down the loser. As in the first case identifying the type of tactic the person uses to get his/her way allows the sensible person to beat a hasty but far more graceful exit. Domination is is the prize that they covet most. This is not love, this is ownership!
Stop The Arguements visits reasons why some people use Control arguements, which generally start with: "You always ...." fill in the blanks, "You never ....", "Why don't you ever ....." "Why can't you...." " You make me do ....." " It's your fault that...". Get the picture. These types of arguements tend to put the persons that they are directed at on the defensive, as per above. Once on the defensive that person gives over control to the person who started the ball rolling. 'Controllers' are people who generally find it difficult to have a relationship that is based on trust and equality. They themselves are quite often insecure, selfish and overly egotistical, hence the controlling behaviour. They often cannot take responsibility for relationship problems, cannot take criticism, own up to their own errors, or see themselves from anothers point of view. All of this means that they rarely, if ever apologise! Controllers tend to be generally critical of all people and it is not unusual for this type of argumental controlling behaviour to be linked with jealousy which asks it's own questions: "Why are you late"; "Where have you Been"; "Who were you with"; "Why are you wearing that!". Unfortunately some young girls and even some women find this endearing rather than understanding it for what it really is, 'just another relationship killer', sometimes even literally. Jealousy is akin to fiercely guarded gang turf and the members within it. People controlled in a jealous relationship become property and often this property becomes guarded not just by yelling matches but by violence. Suspicion is never far off and the consequences for any relationship like this in or out of a gang can be equally devastating. Should you find yourself in a relationship with someone who uses any or all of these tactics on a regular and or daily basis, then to Stop The Arguements, you would be better off walking away, unless you are very strong and the person involved is willing to go through therapy, (The whole term of the therapy, not one or two to keep their partners happy or off of their backs for a while) and have a desire to understand why they are always so unhappy, controlling and critical of others.
Self establishment is another common reason for arguing and another form of control. In this case it is usually, but not always, the kids in our gang that resort to this tactical form of arguing. All those arguements beginning with; "why cant I" wear," "go out","watch" "why must I get home so early" "it's my life", and the classic "I hate you" are intended to wear parents down in order for them to get their way! Surprise! Getting embroiled in these arguments is a total waste of energy and effort as they can whine for an amazingly long time, so put your foot down and plug your ears until they turn eighteen, (after which they are legal for most things and should have established some sort of 'self', with the help of your sensible rules, boundaries and love). Stop The Arguments by refusing to get entangled. Parents are never going to win arguments over things that are imagined up in the minds of idealistic and egocentric children, who see themselves as being capable of doing and handling everything adults can, and being better at it! If you are unsure that you are being played then consider the tactics and the end result. The attack usually begins with the following psychological jabs: "All the other kids can....;" "You never let me....;" " I am not a child anymore;", "you don't care about me," You don't trust me,"(this one usually pops up when they want to go out to some place where no-one can be trusted to look out for them), "All my teachers are horrible to me"; I can't sleep without the TV on" and the ever popular; "I need....." which can be anything from brand name shoes, money for everything under the sun, or items like bicycles you know they won't use, because they already have one rusting in the garage! Then there is lap tops that will only be used upstairs for chatting to the friend next door on line, and or possibly giving out all their personal information on Face Book! (Keep the computer downstairs until you know that your kids are old enough to understand the ramifications of putting intimate information on line). Lets also not forget the famous last words of " I can take care of myself" even though you are footing all the bills, placing a roof over their heads, feeding, clothing and providing pocket money. Stop the Arguments with them, you ARE being played!! It is a childs duty to play you, it gives parents the wealth of experience they wished they'd had, when they decided to have children in the first place! Arguing any of these points is a potential mine field best left alone. The simplest way to deal with these manipulative arguments after having listened/ discussed any merits and not finding any, is to stick to your guns and keep the conversation short. Give a simple "NO" to those "Needs" that 'you know' are clearly unecessary then move the conversation on to something distracting like "what home work did you get today"? It moves them away from a potentially long winded whining session. For the "I can take care of myself", remove all the electronic luxurys from the bedroom and take away the pocket money. Depending on how much stuff you have provided, this eye opening experience for the child could be quite educational and constructive about what it means to care for oneself. The long and the short of it is, as the parents or parent we are most knowledgeable about what "needs" means when it comes to the care of our children. The less spoiled a young child is the less arguments there will be when they become teenagers. Let children know early on that you are 'their parents' and are not responsible for what other parents do or dont do for their children. By all means explain your rational when refusing a request with a short, simple, easily understood explanation and don't chop and change like the wind. To do this would mean losing all the credibility and belief your children have in you. Don't set yourself up for always Arguing and Stop The Arguements. To be very clear about this, children brought into this world should be loved, and you as the parent should at times be allowed to spoil your children, just make sure that it is not to the point where you simply become the cash machine and "Hotel Mom and Dad." Parents who have allowed themselves to be used will never Stop The Arguments so don't go there, don't create a situation that allows for being used.
Another common thing that people argue over is money! Stop The Arguments! Don't let this one get away, sit down as soon as a real relationship begins to blossom. Leaving this one for later may just end up with someone biting the hand that feeds. Having one partner as the finance manager is not really a good idea. Some people may well get it right like this, but for the majority, money is a freedom and a symbol of independence. It does not matter whether the money will ever be used as a get out clause in a marriage or partnership. What does matter is the psychological benefit of feeling independent. Mature relationships recognise that whether or not the money is in one shared account or in separate accounts, how ever much one of them spends, it affects both of their lives. Money for them is not a type of control but rather a tool that can make life easier and more pleasant for both partners. They tend to be careful with money rather than restrictive and identify with the concept of waiting and saving for something extra special and the enjoyment of the prize at the end of it. Most people are reasonable with money when it comes to their family and partners. Just discussing the money situation on a weekly or monthly basis, depending on how both get paid, can put a halt on any potential misunderstandings and arguements. In a selfish relationship or marriage, money is treated like an 'own resource' for instant self gratification and little or no respect is shown for the needs of the home as a whole, or for the needs of the other. It is for this reason that money must be a consideration when taking on a long term relationship. Consider this carefully and couples maybe able to eliminate one of the main reasons of "Stop The Arguments"! Take note of the signs left along the way when starting a relationship. Unless one or both partners are filthy rich, there is a need to consider if one or the other, represents a high maintenance life style that is not affordable. This may seem petty in the eyes of love but it can be the deal breaker later on when there is so much more invested in the relationship, i.e. children and mortgages. Look out for designer clothes and shoes, choice of only the most expensive restaurants when they are not picking up the tab, expensive high tech equipment that gets changed only for reasons of the "latest and greatest", lots of credit cards, and unpaid debts. These things are important when the person is clearly not a high salaried professional, and or is still living with mom and dad, even if mom and dad are wealthy. Quite often the children of wealthy parents are used to getting what they want for very little effort. Another sign of strictly money orientated people is their propensity to start the relationship off with extravagant gifts that wane fairly soon into the affair. They also tend to lose interest when gifts are not reciprocated or appear to be less expensive than theirs, which arguably for some, is a lucky break. Impatience which also causes arguments is often a characteristic of money orientated people who constantly seek instant gratification. It would be wise therefore to tote up all the characteristics of the person of interest and evaluate how much of your own interests are going to be sacrificed at the alter of one particular person. Back pedal and Stop The Arguments from ever happening if you have to. Another characteristic in this mix is the person who values money a great deal and who believes that money will buy love and loyalty. This person can appear to be very generous and is mostly quite happy to provide a partner with a good life style, whilst holding tightly onto the purse strings, (In this sort of relationship there is generally one bank account held by one partner). It is unlikely that the access to money will be shared equally, as this would mean that the kick they get out of handing out money would be curtailed, as would, 'looking good and feeling gracious', by allowing the other to go on a spending spree. This setup creates a serious loss of independence for one partner and self devaluation when they realise that the only type of affection that they will receive, is the patronising hand over of money. Such a relationship can only lead to more arguing in the long term rather than say Stop The Arguements!. The other end of the scale is Mr. and Ms. mean. They constantly try to avoid picking up the tab for meals out and manage to always be in the loo when it is their turn for a round of drinks. Such people seem to always keep track of who owes who, but have selective memory when it comes to themselves being in the debt of the group. They also tend to scrutinise every bill and every expense incurred by their partners and just love to point out where the other has been a bit extravagant. Such extravagances as pointed out tend to be quite petty and demeaning. like insisting that the baggy suit would have done just as well as the slightly nore expensive, well fitting suit etc. It is no surprise to find that quite often these people are quite well off but not always too happy about their lot in life. They have the potential to make a loved ones life miserable too unless of course they meet a like-minded person who enjoys sacrificing every little bit of joy in the name of money. The real test in any relationship is trust and if you feel in your gut (not your heart) that the person you love cannot be trusted to either share money equally or to not use it as a weapon of control, then take a step back and do a pros and cons list of good and bad characteristics. Generally speaking, the truth is usually in the 'gut' feelings. Ditto for trust regarding being faithful. There is a PS here, and that is that all men stroke out over the price of cleaning products! You are never going to Stop The Arguments on this one, just drown it out!
Boredom is another major cause of arguing. In order to Stop The Arguments when boredom becomes a common theme in life, find a way out. This goes for kids as well as adults. This is probably the most inane reason to argue! Boredom is as childish as the line down the centre of the seat on a long car journey. It is also the easiest to get shot of once it is recognised for what it is. Lets Stop The Arguments. Boredom often starts silently and creeps its way into a relationship like a vine that slowly strangles all that is good. The rut is the beginning. We all get into a rut at some stage in our lives. We get comfortable, our minds slip down into the dent the seat of our pants have made in an old couch. Lovely restful feeling until you try to get out of it and find that the stomach you grew whilst slobbing in your favourite chair, is in the way. The mind or brain is likened to a muscle, use it or lose it. Stop The Arguments about it, you know I am right! That internal scream in your head is trying to tell you that cabin fever is setting in and that you need to get out and get a bit of life back. If any of the following symptoms are recognisable and especially if there are more than one or two symptoms, you are bored and probably boring to others: Conversation in general is about work; Most of your mates are work colleagues; you have only one other conversation mainstay and that is a particular sport or soapie; You have got the same haircut you had 20 years ago; your week-ends are spent cleaning and watching TV; you take leave and either spend it in the same camping spot you have had for the last 5-10 years or more; or you spend it at home decorating and cleaning out the house; you take the same route to work everyday; you shop in the same supermarket you have shopped in for the last 5-10 years; buy clothes in the same shop all the time and in the same colours and fashions; you don't remember what your partner said five minutes ago and if you do, you have an urge to throttle him/her for no apparant reason other than that wierd feeling of your head about to explode. Go get out, Stop The Arguements! Stop The Arguments and reinvigorate your life and your families lives. First re-arrange the lounge and turn the cushions over! Make a list of all the things you enjoyed as a child; e.g. drawing, painting, riding horses, cross country walks, and make a list about all the things you wanted to try out, these may also be in your first list. These could be knitting, cooking, pottery, judo, karate or any of the martial arts, dancing, scuba diving etc. Go through the list and tick all those that are possible for you to take up now or learn to do. Speaking of which have a look at all the courses that are on offer, like a new language, Social Science, Literature, using computers, there are loads to choose from and we are never too old to learn, considering that most of us will now live into our nineties, there is an awful lot of time to kill between retirng and dying now! Also a lot of time to have a better life and to Stop The Arguments! Starting anything new, no matter how small you may think it is, will give some zest to your life. Maybe you have a garden that is smothered in gravel, get rid of the stuff and plant a real garden. Anybody can grow plants and with the credit crunch biting what could be better than picking your own beans or tomatoes. And how much nicer would a gravel patch be that is sporting flowers for you to sniff and how great the pleasure of knowing that you planted them. I have a very tiny front garden that is a riot of colour, probably over stuffed with flowers and potoatoes etc, but lots of feeding gets them into top gear. Children also like picking beans and strawberries etc, grab them whilst they are still young enough to form an association of gardens and pleasure. Remember bored kids argue incessently! The end result of this is that we end up with more than work and sport to talk about, and along with this comes an attribute of being someone who is interesting to talk to. It also Stops The Arguments, at least some of the time. It would not be rational to think that we can avoid arguing all the time because there will be times when one partner may feel a bit out of sorts or insecure for various reasons. But there is no reason to accept that arguing is simply a part of everyday life. That would be too wearysome and no relationship should be that hard. The saying that good relationships need hard work, for me, is a resignation to a life of disagreements and arguements. We can pick our partners in life and maybe if we stopped to catch a breath we would see the potential hazzards as apposed to the odd snag. That is real, we are not perfect and have no right to expect perfection, but we can expect almost perfect whilst delivering the same.
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