Marriage Or Partnership

My first marriage was a sort of 60's shotgun wedding, affair. The shotgun wasn't actually there, but my mothers sour face deterred any protests and the daggers she kept hurling at me both silently and verbally sure were. There was to be no debate about Marriage Or Partnership. And although I deeply loved my fiance I was just not ready to jump into the whole marriage thing. The actual wedding was a debacle! I had wanted a proper church wedding with all the rituals that I beleived then and still do today that wedding rituals steeped in history and culture are what make the whole affair feel weighty and meaningful. Instead I got a court wedding that was over within minutes. I had to carry a bouquet that was hurriedly slapped together by my equally sour faced Grandmother and held delicately together with tinfoil! You can see how this whole meaningful dream of mine kept on disintigrating minute by minute. Too put it mildly, I was devastated!

However today I am glad that I got married as my husband was tragically taken from me and his family only 2 short years later. What I will never like about it, was the way in which it was carried out. Weddings are special and they should have some weight and ceremony to them, in order for us to appreciate the enormity of the commitment that we make on our wedding day.

Having been put off marriage by the sorry excuse for a wedding I had had, and by the loss of my husband, I convinced myself that the next time, if there was one, I would give Marriage or Partnership some serious debate and opt for what I thought was a lessor evil and stick with a partnership. I mistakenly believed that if this went up in smoke, or if I had to lose this person then it would not be as devastating as having to go through all the legalties that automatically follow a divorce or death. I also convinced myself that I would not get as attached in such an agreement. (I really needed a seriously good belt around the ear!) It is not unfair to mention at this point that I had been seriously tarumatised by the loss of my husband at a very young age and that I had taken on the personna of a dark and deeply cynical force de tragedie!

The reality of my partnership when it came was very different from how I thought it would be. The control that I thought I would keep, was lost within a year! I realised too late that I could not just up and disrupt the lives of my children all over again and decided to try and make the best of a bad partnership by doing everything in my power to please this man and maybe change him, and make him see that I was a worth-while partner. That I was worth loving and good at giving everything that he and my kids needed!! Everyday that he stripped me of my worth, refused to tell me that he loved me, berated my incompetence as a home keeper, mother, accountant and persistently reminded me of how stupid I was, deminished my confidence and love of life. I knew how much I had changed the day that I finally snapped (12 years later) and slapped him across the face after his attempt to drag my kids into a fight in the middle of the night. I also knew that day, that I was a survivor for no sooner had I dropped my stinging hand and looked into those now murderous glittering black eyes, than I turned and ran for my life. I shot down the passage and vaulted onto the bed, flipped onto my back in time to lift his six foot frame into the air above me to keep his flailing fists from touching me. (Thank God for the weight lifting) As soon as the fight went out of him, distinguished by his red face and weakening swipes, I dashed for the kids bedroom grabbed them and slipped out into the night, running like the hounds of hell were behind me to my nearest friends house! I still laugh about it today but by the time I got out of that relationship, which was unbelievably difficult, I no longer knew who I was. I am pretty sure all of you can point out all the classic mistakes I made. The reality is that hundreds of thousands of people, men and women make the same mistakes everyday. The debate about Marriage or Partnership just does not stand up when it comes to easy out's. There is no easy get-away plan for either of them and a bad partnership simply ladles on added insults to a person who takes commitment seriously.

I have married again and have been now, for going on 18 years to a wonderful man, who takes commitment as seriously as I do. I did not rush into this marriage and we planned and paid for it ourselves over a period of 18 months. Not only did I marry someone unafraid to say those precious words of "I love you" but who is also unafraid to show it. I also, this time, married my best friend. My son gave me away at my wedding and my daughter was my maid of honour. We went to marriage counseling for six weeks laid on by the chuch, and yes, I got married in Church with a beautiful bouquet of flowers. We were surrounded by people who loved us both and who genuinely wished us well.

The whole point of this Marriage Or Partnership page is for those who feel that maybe a partnership is easier to dissove, does not require as much commitment as a marriage, won't change the relationship as much as marriage seems to for some or because they just fell into it and it's not worth chasing the dream of marriage when the other seems to be perfectly happy with the way things are.

Neither Marriage Or Partnership comes with a guaranty of forever-more! Life may rob of this through death as may the human condition of seeking more, better and destructive cheap thrills. My feelings about this have become more rounded over the years. And my feeling about marriage is that I would rather have the amazing compliment and the promise of a love pledge 'til death', over a casual partnership, even if it does not work out that way. It takes a lot of courage and belief (or it should) to propose and accept a life-time contract with one person.

When it comes to kids, Marriage or Partnership can be either a positive experience or totally destructive. A child cannot heal a failing Marriage or Partnership, as more often than not, it has the opposite effect. Bringing someone else's kids into a Marriage Or Partnership should be carefully considered. Don't jump into either, in a hurry, take at least a year before entering into either relationship. The younger our gang the more careful we should be.

Don't ever expect a Marriage or Partnership to change a persons fundamental character. If there are things that we think should change in order for the union to work, then walk away. People may change small parts about themselves but rarely if ever, change whole chunks of their fundamental beliefs and disposition. A user will stay a user, mean drunks stay mean drunks, uncaring selfish people stay uncaring selfish people. It is arrogant of us to think that we are the one special person that can change another. People train for years before they even attempt to do what so many of us think we can do with other people's problems. They are called psychologists and Psychiatrists!

There are plenty of nice, kind, genuine people in the world, find one and leave the misfits for the professionals. The person most likely to change in a bad relationship is the one trying to do the fixing and never for the better.

Leaving a bad Marriage Or Partnership is not a sign of failure. When it corrupts life, yours or your childrens, it is the bravest thing to do. It takes and shows great strength. It is in fact the sign of a survivor, compassionate mother/father and winner!

May you seek and find the love you deserve.

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