Dealing With Paedophiles

This is a truly difficult problem to address as many children keep sexual abuse hidden for several reasons. Often they feel that they may hurt their mothers or both parents when it is a case of a family friend or a brother, brother-in-law or any member in the close family circle, and even when they do decide to tell, they worry that they they will not be believed! The perpetrator will usually plant this seed of doubt into their minds for them. (I am focusing mainly on men as the Perpetrators, not because they are the only gender guilty of this offence, but because men are at the top of the leader board when it comes to this particular type of abuse). Threats of punishment from the abusers also prevents children from reporting such events to people that could help. For little kids who have no real control over their lives and who see adults as all knowing and all-powerful beings, these seeds of doubt planted by the perpetrators and the threats of punishment are very frightening. This makes Dealing with Paedophiles all the more difficult.

Dealing With Paedophiles the Core family knows about; An important thing to always remember is that paedophiles don't change. They do not get "better" and promises that they will never assault a child or children again is a promise that they are unable to keep. Don't ever let a child abuser or paedophile you know about, anywhere near the faimly again and always report it!!!

Dealing With Paedophiles in the family is is further complicated when the child knows that the mother/father is aware of what is going on, but refuses to talk about it or put a stop to it. When this happens, the child’s perception of right and wrong, normal and abnormal behaviour becomes blurred, at least until they find out from other children that this sort of adult behaviour does not occur in their homes, and teachers point out to them that adults should not be doing these sorts of things to children. Such a situation for a child can lead to all sorts of ripple effects in their lives. Dealing With Paedophiles and the ripple effect.

The ripple effect of such trauma is not a pebble in the lake of life, it is a boulder that rocks and splashes against every part of the victims world. The ramifications do not stop at the sexual life of the person abused, it affects their perceptions of themselves in every area of their lives. For women who have been abused, men in general take on a divisive mantel of power whether at work or in the home. Women and men who have knowingly been let down by their mothers quite often lose faith and trust in all women. And ironically Victims of sexual abuse tend to get involved with people who are abusive and denigrating. All in all many adults who emerge from child sexual abuse tend to make some pretty poor life choices, such as the people they marry or have relationships with. It seems that when we have not been shown love and support from important role models we will try and try again to prove that we are loveable. We do this by choosing a mate who has similar qualities, or lack thereof, to that of the abuser. By doing this we subconsciously give ourselves another chance at proving that we are worth loving. Unfortunately this can prove to be circular, we will go on and on, round and round, to prove something we already know deep down inside, and that is that we are worth it, we're just picking the wrong partner! Another common spin off from sexual abuse at a young age is the perception the abused have of themselves as being desirable, but not loveable or beautiful. Desire also becomes confused with love. For some the thirst for love always remains unquenched and therefore it becomes a search for the end of the rainbow. Often abused children need constant affirmation that they are desired and therefore loved, which leads them to poor choices and multiple sex partners later on in life. This skewed perception sometimes prevents them from accepting love from the very people who do love them. Love, to them is not expected to come easy! It is clear from this how adults who were abused as children end up in abusive adult relationships. The abuse may not be the same as when they were children and often that is how it is missed, but in some way the abuse is there. It maybe physical, mental or both. Dealing With Paedophiles means dealing with the damage they leave behind. Sadly some of these children will go on to becoming abusers themselves!

Children should not feel helpless about dealing with Paedophiles. There is always someone who will listen and who will care. Trust your parents to have your best interest they are more likely to believe you than not. I know that there are a very few parents who do not but they are rare and there is always someone else either gran or a school teacher or someone else in the family.

For older kids there are really good tiny spy cameras that are not too expensive and can be set up to catch the perpetrator.

Grooming occurs in many ways and the people who use these techniques are often quite cunning, managing to stay under the radar by being the affable favourite uncle/aunt who is perceived to be a most trustworthy person. Kids are allowed to go fishing/mall-shopping/movies etc with them. They are often the 'preferred baby sitter' because they are so trustworthy and 'good' with the kids! Children are pulled in by the playfulness and generosity of the paedophile who usually keeps a store sweets, small gifts or money. Of course not all people who deal well with kids and take an interest in them are paedophiles, so the watchword here is 'over interest'. Dealing With Paedophiles by being observant.

Take note if someone is taking what appears to be a seemingly overly keen interest of one child in particular. Do they always want to pick this child up, carry them on their shoulders more than the others? Do they always have a treat that is a bit more special than treats for the others? How often does this persons gaze rest on a particular child, whilst in conversation with other adults? Do they seem distracted by the child’s presence? These are all things to watch out for. Should you feel that this is the case then insist that the treats stop and are given only with your say so. Parents should control who gives sweets and gifts to their children anyway, this is smart practice, just like telling them not to talk to strangers and accept gifts and sweets from strangers is smart practice. Keep playtime with this adult short and in your presence. Always make sure you know where this person is and where your kids are. ..................................................................................................................................

Dealing With Paedophiles: Grooming; The flattery approach.

Other techniques, which are directed to older kids as in young teenagers, come wrapped in silk gloves. Older men/women spend a lot of time flattering the children they are interested in. They talk to them in an adult fashion whilst maintaining an attitude of understanding the difficulties of teens dealing with parents who won't accept that they are all grown up! They make sure to try and include them in adult conversations and jokes that are slightly off colour. Often they will wiggle their way into gaining the confidence of the young teen and promise to keep secrets of certain activities the kids may have indulged in such as drinking or smoking, from the parents. When the paedophile feels he/she has captured the trust and attention of the teen in question, the paedophile will trap him/her alone and turn up the level of flattery and intimacy. They will make comments on how sexy/beautiful the teen looks. At this point they may even close in for a quick kiss. Any response from a flattered young teen will be followed up fast before the youngster has time to question the agenda of the person romancing them. These groomers duck in and out of the conversation area in order to take advantage of any time, the teen is alone. This is easily noticeable when the parents are vigilant. Usually the paedophile will follow the teen shortly after he/she has left the room, with the excuse of needing the bathroom or any other plausible reason that gets them out of the room and closer to the child. These abusers will often go out of their way to be seen as a good friend or devoted uncle/aunt/step mom/dad by offering to pick up or take the kids to various activities. Generally they will find opportunities to find time alone with the teen of interest even if it is for only a few minutes. Eventually they will convince some flattered teens to meet them alone!

Dealing With Paedophiles who use less obvious techniques.

Included in this group there are those parents who use cuddling as a way of fondling. The child soon learns that if they want a cuddle they will have to submit to the fondling as well. This has serious consequences as they grow older as they often become those who see themselves as being desirable but not loveable. As can be seen Dealing With Paedophiles is extremely difficult and further complicated by seemingly innocent behaviour.

Dealing With Paedophiles beware the authoritarian approach.

This technique is usually used by a person in a position of power, like the head of the family, Fathers, mothers and Stepfathers and mothers. The authoritarian rules by fear and abuse. Most people are wary of upsetting them in any way. For children this person wields ultimate power. Knowing this and keeping the status quo allows the paedophile to come and go without the fear of being ratted out. Men in this position use their anger as a scare tactic and try to separate the mother as much as possible from their children. This means ensuring that the other does not check up on the kids as often as they would like whilst the kids are in the bath or once they are in bed. This sort of paedophile accomplishes this by denigrating the others parental skills beyond less than nothing. Repetitive arguments and insults about the lack of skills and how damaging they are to the children eventually ensures that they have the ultimate say over what the kids can or can't do. Authoritarians allow control only over those things that are deemed of little importance and even these will be picked at and pulled apart. Another tactic to keep control over the family is separating not only the parent from the children but the parent from other family members and friends. The authoritarian paedophile manipulates every situation to his/her advantage. This means keeping control over the finances by making sure that the other does not have access to money and by either forbidding their partners to work or convincing them that working means neglecting the children. Lots of irony there, but when a person’s head is full to overflowing with trying to handle the daily onslaught that such a person brings into the home there is very little time to sort out the spaghetti ball of problems. Things are further complicated by mixed messages such as handouts or bouts of kindness, trustworthiness, generosity and humour, here for a moment and completely and utterly absent, or the total opposite in the next. Flipping moods like this also gives a paedophile more control as the other is in a constant head-spin and confusion. This is one of those relationships I like to call 'Armageddon Relationships', they destroy everything in their wake.

As can be seen this is a very complex problem. More often than not the person/s abusing our kids in this manner are ensconced in the family circle. Putting a baby cam in the bedroom of our kids allows us to keep an eye out on who goes in and out of the room. It also allows us to monitor the babysitter. It has some problems however when the perpetrator is the biological father/mother and therefore knows how to avoid being caught. For homes that have new step-parents fitting one in before the person moves in, may seem overly suspicious but no-one can know for sure if a new parent or extended family members have good intentions. However there are other things we can do to keep our kids out from under the spotlight of outside paedophiles and bad intentioned adults. Dealing With paedophiles by age appropriate clothing.

One way is to keep our children as children for as long as evolution into adulthood intended. This means taking them off of a diet of adult movies, magazines intended for young adults, sexually denigrating and explicit music. It means allowing little girls and boys to be little. Make up is for fun sometimes, not for going out in! Teen clothing should be age appropriate. Little 6 to 12yr olds dressed in knee high lace up boots, tiny minis and crop tops, stuffed bra's, make-up only suitable for adults is grossly inappropriate and insulting to the age of the child. It is also ultimately endangering them. Even and although we cannot excuse paedophilia we can make an effort not to attract their attention by dressing little kids up like adults. We dilute parenthood by apathetically accepting that all the blame lies at the feet of the fashion/beauty/role models and film industries. Insipid parenting endangers our children and leaves the door wide open for paedophiles just waiting to take advantage. Children should be playing with kids as close to their own age as possible, as paedophilia is not limited to adults over the age of 21. Sometimes paedophiles come in the form of young adults, 16yrs old and up. Older teens who undress and/or touch younger kids in a sexual manner are also engaging in deviant sexual behaviour. Quite often these young adults have been or still are, being abused themselves. It should be our missive to report any inappropriate sexual behaviour to the parents if possible, or the authorities and let them investigate. This may save the future of a young adult and the future of any potential victims. We can also talk to the child who has committed an act that may have been upsetting to us and our children. Use your own judgement as to whether or not the problem needs to be handled by an expert or if it can be dealt with by yourself and the child’s parents. My limit would be another child going as far as interfering with clothing, such as pretence at adjusting a younger child’s underwear for the amusement of their gang mates. I would address this by speaking to the child and the parents. Anything more than that I would be talking to the parents and possibly the police.

Grooming also occurs over the Internet. This is no longer news and yet so many parents still allow their young children and teens to paste all their details, including photographs on websites. Most kids cannot grasp the enormity of the web and that the people who want to be their friends are not always the same ages as they are and do not always have good intentions. Lets face it even adults don't fully comprehend the immensity of the web population. Paedophiles live for this naiveté! They study children and copy them in their language, humour, and say all the right things at all the right times. They are often patient, waiting for the right moment to ask for a photograph or phone number so that they can talk more often! Eventually they will ask to meet up or ask for more revealing photographs. This is where parenting skills are tested. Parents should know when their kids are on-line, what sites they are using and with what chat platforms they are engaging. Kids under the age of 17 (if they are a mature 17) should not have laptops or computers in their bedrooms. These should be in a family room where gang of mom and dad can see what they are up to. Hopefully parents will talk to their kids about what their children can expect when engaging with the world and it's peoples. That not all 'friends' online are honest about who they are or how old they are. They should also be told that photo's should not be revealing or be of themselves behaving badly. Popular social network sites are now being used by potential employers to gain some insight to the person they are hiring. So although Dealing With Paedophiles is the major concern, there are other ramifications for their future lives. Don't set up a computer camera as this can be used for gaining intimate images and details about your children. Only fully-grown adults should be in charge of these devices. Children are too trusting and too naive to have access to such equipment. Some young teens quite like showing off!

Dealing With Paedophiles in the Bedroom.

These days fitting a Nanny cam in the bedroom has become very popular and with so many families splitting up and getting re-married it is something to take seriously. No one can tell us what a paedophile typically looks like as they look just like you and I. They are also practiced at behaving in a normal manner when around other people. They even shake their heads and act disgusted when a case of paedophile is unveiled. The nanny cam has another advantage as it can also record what is going on in the computer room and of course as it's name suggests it records what the nanny is up to if anything.

Dealing With Paedophiles outside the home.

A very important thing to remember is that paedophiles are great opportunists. They look for any chance they can get to engage with young children. They may wait in cars around the local school/cafe, hoping to catch children who are alone. Tactics used; are asking for directions, asking if they have seen his or her own child, (non existent of course) or telling them that their mom has asked him/her to pick them up.

Dealing With Paedophiles myself.

As you may have noticed, there is a thread of my own life and experiences that run through this page. I would like to describe some of these experiences in order to show just how opportunistic paedophiles can be. As a young child of 11yrs on a visit with my parents to a friends house an elderly man invited me to his room, (in front of the other adults and my parents) in order to show me a doll that he had and would, in his own words, "like to give me". My parents were in conversation with the obviously adult children of this man and they never looked up. When we got to his room he took out an ornamental doll and gave her to me. I was already feeling uneasy, being the seasoned vet that I was, and when he patted the bed next to him for me to sit down whilst he lay back, I bolted! He could not ask for the doll back, not that I would have cared, but I knew that he could not use her again to tempt another child into his room. In another incident a friend of my mom and dad came around to the house before they had got back from work. We kids knew him well and we were soon playing with him. A bit of roughhousing with my brothers and me, the tom boy. He picked me up on his back and then copped a feel with his fingers. Again I bolted. These foot notes are just a few of the less traumatising incidents I experienced as a child. I endured many more far worse experiences and know of others that are not mine to tell. My point is the 'opportunistic' behaviour displayed by paedophiles and how they can take advantage of situations without alerting the parents. No child should go into the bedroom of an older man whether you trust him or not. Anything they have to give can be given in front of the parents.

Dealing With Paedophiles.

My mission is not to brand all men as paedophiles or child abusers. Even with my past experiences I do believe that there are some wonderful grandfathers, fathers, uncles and brothers. I believe that it is wrong to demonise all men, (which seems to be happening more and more in the UK) or to prevent parents from having some once in a lifetime footage of their children at athletic meets, dance exams and plays, because they may just be paedophiles and child abusers. My message is; be cautious, be alert, not paranoid and teach kids some strategies of how to remove themselves from bad situations, let them know that they can talk to you about absolutely everything. If parents talk about sex in an open manner chances are the children will also talk openly. I believe that if I had my life over that I would have taken advantage of the baby cams that are available today. They can easily be hidden and are best kept that way if and when a new friend, significant or otherwise comes into yours and your children’s lives. (You don't want this technology used against you or your kids by announcing that you have it) Don't let anyone know about it until you get rid of it when you are convinced that no harm will come to the children. Do not use this technology to spy on teens for the sake of it! An open relationship should ensure that they will talk to you and an open door policy can ensure that there is no risky business going on with their friends.

Dealing With Paedophiles and not being paranoid or extreme.

How do we know if we are being over cautious to the point of being phobic? Firstly we have to believe in the idea that not all men or people for that matter are perverts or paedophiles. We need to recognise that it is not only men who engage in acts of paedophilia but women as well! We also have to realise that we can cover as many bases as possible and still fall foul of such people. We have to trust that the fathers of our children are not paedophiles or we will go nuts! However if they display some deviant behaviours with the kids such as fondling them in an inappropriate manner then this needs to be addressed. If children are smacked it should not be done with their pants pulled down. Smacking should be very rare and should not be used as an instrument of embarrassment for the child or as a turn on for the parent doing the smacking! Yes that does actually happen! Frankly most children are suitably admonished just by the act of being smacked even with padding! Don't use the nanny cam to spy on children everyday and night. Use it only when your suspicions are aroused or when a new partner has been brought into the house. Don’t bring every boyfriend into the home with young children, not only is it confusing for them but it raises the chances of letting the fox into the hen house. In some countries it is possible to do a background check on a new boyfriend. If you think this guy is the one, check him out before you let him into the home and into your heart. Beware of authoritarians that cannot help themselves from pointing out all your mistakes as a mother. If his methods of behaviour control seem extreme or a bit off, then take it that once he is in the home they will only get worse. It is hard but try to remember that we only get one chance at raising happy, healthy, confident children.

Lastly, TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS! Even if you feel foolish, when your mind tells you to check on something, GO CHECK.

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